Unknown

Nothing truly is scarier than the fear of the unknown. The anxiety tends to eat you up, kill whatever little joy you have left. It's exhausting and sometimes, people get frustrated due to my inability to actually express in words my emotions.

I wish I am better in handling my emotions. I wish I can be that girl who can get a grip on her emotions and keep in under the lid. But sadly, I am a girl who lives and breathes through what I currently feel at the moment. I know its not the healthiest way to actually live. But for now, it is what it is. 

Back from 6 feet under

Hello Blogging world!

So I have been off grid for years and years and years. To those who are still here and present - hello! I finally recovered my email password. Hooray for google!

So a few milestones in my life. If your a facebook friend, you'll most likely know this anyway. Married already! 3 years to that same guy in my blog post down down below with the dancing in the club scene.


Married life? Not a bed of roses. We have to fight harder to stay together. And I wouldn't  have it any other way. :)

Honeymoon was the blast. We were able to go to Sagada and enjoy the caves. :) And take photos in the highest point, of course. I probably wouldn't do the caves again but at least I tried. Haha.

So anyway, cheers to love and life! I will definitely be more active with this time that I recovered my very old email! Namaste!

Credo by Jack Kerouac - for my co blog writers

Remember above all things, Kid, that to write is not difficult, not painful, that it comes out of you with ease, that you can whip up a little tale in no time, that when you are sincere about it, that when you want to impress a truth, it is not difficult, not painful, but easy, graceful, full of smooth power, as if you were a writing machine with a store of literature that is boundless, enormous, endless, and rich. For it is true; this is so. Do not forget it it your gloomier moments. Make your stuff warm, drive it home American-wise, don't mind critics, don't
mind the stuffy academic theses of scholars, they don't know what they're talking about, they're way of the track, they're cold; you're warm, you're redhot, you can write all day, you know what you know, like Halper, you remember that, Kid, and when you feel as if you cannot write, as if it is no use, as if life is no good, read this over and realize that you can do a lot of good in this world by turning out truths like these, by spreading warmth, by trying to preach living for life's sake, not the intellectual way, but the warm way, the way of love, the way which says; brothers, I greet you with open arms, I accept your frailties, Ioffer you my frailties, let us gather and run the gamut of rich human existence. Remember, Kid, the ease, the grace, the glory, the greatness of your art; remember it, never forget. Remember passion. Do not forget, do not forsake, do not neglect. It is there, the order and purpose; there is chaos, but not in you, nowt way down deep in your heart, no chaos, only ease, grace, beauty, love, greatness…..Kid, you can whip a little tale, a little truth, you can mop up the floor with a little tale in no time; it is a cinch, you are the flow of smooth thrumming power, you are a writer, and you can turn out some mean stuff, and you will turn out tons of it, because it is you, and do not forget it , Kid, do not forget it; please, please Kid, do not forget yourself; turn out those
mean little old tales by the dozens, it is easy, sell truth, for it needs to be sold. Remember Kid,
what I say to you tonight; never forget it, read this over in your gloomier moments and never, never forget…..never, never forget…..please, please, Kid please…

Update on the What I want to do Blog - things I was able to manage to cross off my list

So, I wrote and reposted things that I wanted to be able to do before I ultimately get called by our Creator. Just last night, I reread my blog post and realized that as crazily insane (double ding!) as it may seems, there are things there that I can amazingly cross out. :)

So here are my stories.. :) 

10. Sing or speak in front of a big audience..and conquer my fear :) (Yikes)

So, just 2 months ago on my birthday, my friends and I went to Time Machine, a small bar in Dagupan to unwind and have some fun. Now, we knew that the bar was or is famous for letting the audience or the bar goers sing. We were teasing each other that we would go onstage but I know for a fact that no one had the guts amongst us to be able to do so.

After a few beers and after my so called friends gave a note for the band to greet me happy birthday, I suddenly found myself onstage, holding the mic and totally freaking out.

Okay, so forgive the fact that I looked terrified in this pic because I was. But at the end of the day, there's this amazing feeling of being able to conquer your fear. :) There's that certain smugness that envelops your mind and heart which makes you want to do it again.:) Sure, I probably made a mess in front of the crowd but who cares when I got the high fives from my very best friends? :)

21. See sunrise or sunset at the beach.

Before the rainy season started this year, my team and I were able to go to La Union. I know technically, I live by the sea side but before that trip this year, I haven't been to the beach in a really long time. (I guess this should have been See sunrise and sunset and appreciate it again). The fact is, I spend more time on the mountains than the beaches. And that the beaches in Dagupan remain to be famous for the insane people lurking there at night (so I've heard)

While harassing the microphone in the videoke in Villa Navarro, someone from our group announced that sunset was coming. Leaving the microphone and the Whitney Houston song blaring from the machine, we ran out to the sea madly so as not to miss the spectacle.

Let me tell you, I have completely forgotten how amazing God's creations were before I witnessed this miracle again. :) I have completely forgotten to appreciate God as an artist with the perfect blend of colors that blazed through the sky. The indigos, reds, greens, blues and pinks mixed together were truly a work of art - something that Picasso himself would not be able to reproduce. :) 

And so I vowed never to let small miracles pass by again. :)

12. Attend a ball or a dance again

When I wrote this, I was thinking more of a formal get up dance with cocktail dresses, make up and the works. However, I realized that I really didn't want to dress up and all that jazz. I guess the reason why I wrote this is that there's a certain feeling that you get dancing with someone that you love. I miss the 'teenagey' feeling of romance and I will unashamedly admit missing the kilig prom moments.

This is me and my sweetie dancing in a local bar here in Baguio. :) So I wasn't in high heels. I didn't even have make up on and I was wearing jeans. But his gaze made me felt like I was wearing that and more. :) So I consider this one done. :)

8. Skydive! Bungee jump!! Any extreme sport will do.


A few years ago, I did have the opportunity to do paint ball fight. Technically, I was looking for something more extreme than this (sadist me) but still, the thrill and the adrenaline rush made me realize 'puwede na' :)

So there you go. :) My crazy list and crazy me doing all these stunts. :) I will update you once I've done the other part of my lists. :) This is me enjoying life, living it to the fullest the best way I can. Because ultimately, the only thing that we have and that we can hold are moments. :) And I'm holding it - one moment at a time. :)

Lobo

Ikaw ang aking lobo....


Pula. Pula ang kulay mo. Gaya ng mga hibla ng gapatak ng mga dugong umaawit, nagsasayaw at kung minsan nagtatambling tuwing makikita kang ngumingiti. Ang ngiti mong pilit akong dinadala sa isang mundo kung saan kulay asul ang mga dahon and kulay rosas ang kalangitan. Pula wangis ng mga labi mong pinapatahan ang mga luhang pumapatak sa tuwing naaalala ka.

Bilog. Bilog ang hugis mo. Isang siklong hindi natatapos. Gaya ng walang katapusang balong nakatatak sa iyong mga mata. Ang titig ng mga mata mong hindi matutumbasan ng libo libong ritmo, liriko at tula.

Pisi. Isang pisi ang nagdudugtong sa iyo at sa lupa. Isang pising kapag hinila, walang almang padadapuin ang lobo sa nagaantay na palad. Walang kahirap hirap. Gaya ng iyong haplos. Isang haplos na nagbibigay sa akin ng kakayahang lumipad at harapin ang mga engkanto at nunong pilit gumagambala sa akin tuwing gabi. Nagagawa ito ng iyong haplos - ng walang kahirap hirap.

Ikaw ay isang lobo. Isang lobong hindi sa akin. Isang lobong sinusuyod ang kalangitan, naghahanap ng madadapuan o maaaring hindi na rin gustong hagkan ang lupa. Sa palad ko o sa iba ka man mapunta, pilit pa rin kitang tatanawin - isang naglalayag na pula sa gitna ng nakakalunod na asul.

Sana nga lang, di ka matuka ng ibon o masagasaan ng eroplano :)

On love and Superman -- reposting

As a kid, I have always loved Superman. Movies, Lois and Clark, Smallville - name it I have watched it. I loved seeing the blue tights and the red cape fly across my tv screen. I have also adored the almost smug confidence that he has and the way that he crosses his arms over himself while dealing with the thugs and criminals. I loved the way that a simple glance at the red and blue icon can bring a feeling of joy, peace and security to the citizens of Metropolis (and me, of course). Safe to say that I was a pretty obsessed fan before even getting into the point wherein I was arguing with Batman fans. (peace hehe)

There was a time though when due to my busy schedule, I was unable to watch anything at all about Superman for months. Getting up in the night and sleeping during mornings have proven to be a barrier between me and my favorite superhero, which was a drag.

So last week, I decided to treat myself. Armed with a large bag of popcorn and a liter of soda, I sat down to engage myself to watch Lois and Clark (the Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher tandem) on dvd. Upon watching my red and blue icon fly across my screen again, I realized something. I have never missed Superman at all. Instead, after reviewing the scenes, I had actually missed his alter ego, Clark Kent. I missed Clark's glasses which made him somewhat softer. I missed his hesitant smile which is so different from Superman's sure one. I missed seeing that loving gaze that he gives out whenever he looks at Lois. I missed his concept of loyalty and of friendship. More importantly, I missed seeing his ability to love and ACCEPT all people, regardless of who they are and what they did. I missed his optimism and his belief that love actually can solve ANYTHING.

So cheesy as it may seem, I don't look for a man in blue tights anymore. I stopped dreaming of a god holding your hand while flying above the clouds or being rescued while falling from a 9 storey building. I stopped wishing for Superman to come along my way. I just want to find my Clark Kent - someone who will see beyond every single detail of me and still love me just the same. Someone who'll tell me I'm beautiful when I feel the ugliest. Someone who'll kiss me and say that I am perfect just the way I am. Someone who'll ACCEPT me for me - including the not so good stuffs that make up my being. Someone who can dance with me even if there's no music. Someone just to be there to love me and talk to me and just simply be with me. Someone basically real in every sense of the word.

And luckily enough, I did :)

Angel

I watched you quietly, gazing into your face illuminated by the soft moonlight. Together, we bear the silence which rides through the melodies of the night. You light a cigarette, the smoke fogging up the clear night. I stare at the flames, seemingly hypnotized.

Time slumbers on and stands still, seemingly waiting for us, for a moment. Both of us were filled with the unspoken, the emotions that my soul was desperately trying to convey. Yet, the silence embraces the very breath we take.

Your face remains implacable. Desperately, I try to gauge for your psyche, for reasons that I had longed to pry from your iron clad fist. But I fail miserably. The walls remained staunch, forever my obstruction. I  continually swim the dark pools of abyss that is you.

Despite the chill, I feel your warmth beside me, the bliss of it all smothering me with its grace. My sanity wavers, surrendering.

The night traverses on and I watch every second fall like the rain. Tears are necessary and they fall. Your hand slides over to my tears. I close my eyes, feeling myself sink into the moment. I grasp you hand, my lifeline, my destruction. I know my death is imminent. It is near.

For when the first dew of the sunrise appears, I know, I'll be left alone, withering, craving, searching for your phantom beneath these skies.